Thursday, July 29, 2010

::Team Twilight:: Fan Fiction Friday

Psst! Looking for somethin’ new? I know somebody, goes by the name, Cullen. Yea, that’s right, Dr. Cullen. He’s got this shack in the woods; he calls it his “Love Shack”. I hear tales that he’s built a fan fiction laboratory there and hired some whacked out Lab Tech named Andi and a few of her sisters to flesh out the good stuff. Now listen real close, when you find this place, don’t go to the front door, make sure to walk around to the blue door in the back. You’ll need the secret knock and a password. This week, knock the beats of “Dueling Banjos” and the password is “Irritable Grizzly”. I hear she’s a little paranoid, and only deals on Fridays. Be Safe!

While the Cullens were helping me setup the lab this week, Emmett appeared to be deep in thought, not his usual bounding, teasing self.

“Emmett, babe? Is something wrong?” I placed a hand on his shoulder and he turned to look at me.

“Why don’t they love me?” he looked as though he would cry, if only he could.

“What on earth are you talking about? Everyone loves you!” he looked in my eyes with his pain clearly visible.

“But they don’t ever show it!” he exclaimed. With a gentle nudge, I pushed him into the nearest chair and sat on his massive lap.

“Who are you talking about, baby?” His thoughts were so broken; I really needed to get him to focus before I’d even have the slightest clue what he was talking about.

“The authors, Andi! They hate me. There are thousands of them writing about Eddie and Bells, and tons of stories with Bells and Jazz. Not to mention the stories with Jazz and Ali, and I even saw one with a three-way of Eddie, Bells, AND Jazz. But where are mine, Andi? WHERE ARE MINE???”

“Oh, Emmy!” I said trying to calm him. “They’re out there. I’ll make you a deal, you go find me some authors to stock my lab with and I’ll give you the entire day on Friday, okay?”

Finally, there was a gleam in his eyes and he smiled so wide, it split his face in two. “Really? Oh Andi, you are the BEST!” then he wrapped his massive arms around me, squeezing out all my air.
“Em! Can’t breathe!” I squeaked out.

“Oh sorry!” He jumped out of the chair, setting me on my feet and kissed my cheek. “I’m going to get Rosie to help!” then he was out the door.

“Don’t let her scare them!” I yelled after him. “I need them alive!!” I just shook my head, chuckling to myself, as I set my thoughts on Emmett and hoping beyond hope that a few of the authors he found me would survive.


So, my deals for this week are sparse, but thankfully they’re all complete, no waiting for updates, and they’re stories I know I enjoyed; I hope you will too. The usual offerings in the past have been quite citrusy, and I’ll have those too, but in the case of our favorite big brother, they are hard to find. So I’ll keep things light with versions of Emmett that I adore.

First, I give you “Attention, Wal-Mart Shoppers” by sillybella. This story is one that will have you rolling on the floor, but it’s short and sweet, with only 5 chapters, so you won’t have to suffer long. Edward has decided that Bella needs some protection; the kind you can find in the Pharmacy Department at Wal-Mart. This is the best tormenting Emmett, he has no shame in front of the dazed Wal-Mart employees and poor Edward suffers a great deal all in the name of embarrassment.

Second, I have “Cullen Family Camping Trip” by LeesaM. This is a very wacky, 13 chapter, tale where Charlie insists Bella go camping with the Cullens in order to acclimate herself with the great outdoors. After all, the Cullens are practically revered in town for their family camping trips, so they must know what they're doing, right? Well, maybe, but they want to show Bella a good time anyway and Emmett is insanely funny in this one. Just watch out for the small woodland creatures, he’s a little obsessed with them here.

Third on the list is “Dirty Dancing with the Devil Herself” by JayJay Hale. This is one is a whopping 40 chapters but completely worth the time. Edward left Bella, forcing his family to stay away from her. Six years later, the Cullens are a mess and Emmett decides to get away from his angst ridden family and let loose. What he finds in the meanest biker bar in Seattle will shock everyone! Emmett has honestly met his match in this one and she’s not even a vampire. Edward won’t know what to do with himself.

This fic has two homes - on and on

Last, I found a very wonderful tale that Emmett will be bouncing up and down for, "One Sweet Love" by zoe roe. Edward and Bella are there but are, at last, only background characters. This is an all human/alternate universe love story about Emmett and Rosalie, told in 20 sweet chapters. Rosalie is a pop singer who really just needs a break, so her wardrobe manager, Alice, takes her to her home in Tennessee. While there, she is introduced to Bella’s firefighter brother, Emmett. Is it getting warm in here? *fans face* Just thinking of Emmett as a firefighter is making me sweat. LOL!

If that made you a little warm too, here’s a little somethin’ to cool you down; I call it the “Irritable Grizzly”, just a bit tart and spicy, the way a grizzly’s blood would taste if it were spiked with adrenaline. I don't want to have to say it but I will; please drink responsibly.

½ oz Cinnamon Schnapps
1 oz Raspberry Vodka
6-8 oz Ginger Ale
Splash of Rose’s Grenadine for color

Pour everything into a collins glass. Stir gently. Fill with ice and garnish with a cherry.

So until next week, I’ll be locked up tight in the Love Shack Laboratory. I’m really hopin’ for Edward Masen to pop in for a chat or to whisk me away to Boston. Tweet (FanFicDealer), Message, or email ( if you want to talk shop.

The deal has been made. ;)