Hey you!! Yeah, you!! Unless you’re buying tickets to see Eclipse, back slowly away from the ticket booth, put your money away, and no one will get hurt. Lab Tech Andi’s been workin’ long and hard to find some tales that are a zillion times better than that other vampire crap they’re currently trying to push at the box office. So run as quickly as your feet can take you and don’t stop until you get to the blue door behind Dr. Cullen’s Love Shack, knock the beats of Kelly Clarkson’s “My Life Would Suck Without You” and the password is “Suck this!” Be Safe!
It was dark in the lab, with the exception of the one light, dangling over the round table. I glanced around cautiously, as I tried to decide what my next move was going to be. Six pairs of topaz eyes glared at me with impatience, making me extremely nervous. I had no idea what I was going to do, but I knew they weren’t going to wait much longer. Without warning, a hand slammed down on the table, making me jump nearly a foot out of my chair. “Damn it, Andi! Are you in or out?” I heard the voice shout and I looked down at the table for a second longer. This shouldn’t have been a difficult decision, but in all honesty, it was killing me.
Last week, when Edward was in the lab, we spent a lot of time talking about random things while he composed. He would ask me about the odd goings on in the lab and I would ask him about stuff going on at the main house.
One of the things he’d talked about at great length was the lack of opportunities for Bella to practice using her shield. She was improving at pushing it out of the way, but he hadn’t been able to come up with many ways for her use it to protect anyone. That’s when the idea came to me and as soon as Edward saw it in my thoughts, he could hardly wait to share it with everyone. So this is how I found myself, getting my ass handed to me, by six impatient vampires, playing poker.
“I’m out.” I told Emmett as I threw my cards at him with mild disgust. He just laughed at me as he caught each and every one.
“I knew you didn’t have anything,” he retorted and gathered his chips, “You suck at bluffing.” The smile he wore looked like it was permanently chiseled into his face.
I should have known better than to gamble with vampires, but I wasn’t prepared for how easy it would be for them to rob me blind. I knew how Bella’s shield worked and if she covered everyone except Edward, I figured we could play an innocent game of poker without Edward being able to cheat by reading everyone else’s thoughts (or cards).
Oh, how wrong I was. Jasper and Alice were the only ones we agreed were not allowed to play since Bella’s shield doesn’t work on their abilities, but I should have only agreed to participate as dealer. Edward may not have been able to read anyone’s mind, but my silly human reactions gave away every single one of my hands.
“I would need to have torture survival training to effectively bluff anything in this game” I said as I grabbed the new hand dealt to me. I was a moron to keep this up, but I was determined to finish this, even if it broke me.
“Ante up!” Esme chimed in and everyone threw in their chips.
“So, Bella,” Emmett said in a very casual tone as he examined his cards, “are you and Eddie here going to go see that new vampire movie that came out this week?”
“You mean ‘Vampires Suck’?” Bella tilted her head a little and threw a few more chips into the center of the table. “Why on earth would I want to waste my time watching something that’s just going to make fun of me? I have better things to do.”
Emmett snickered and looked over at Edward, “Oh right, I forgot.”
“Emmett!” Esme scolded, but everyone at the table laughed anyway as Edward growled under his breath.
“You shouldn’t take things so seriously.” Carlisle added as he also threw in a few chips to the growing pile.
“Well,” I offered as I looked at my hand, requested two cards and decided to stay in this round, “if you don’t think that movie is worth wasting time on; I could experiment with the authors and see if they could do better.”
“That sounds like an excellent idea,” Rosalie said as she looked her cards over, “I’m nearly positive they could do so much better. I fold.”
“Me, too” Emmett said turning his cards over on the table.
“I’ll match and raise,” Carlisle said as he threw in his bet.
“I’m out!” Esme, Edward, and Bella all said together throwing their cards in.
So now it was just me and Carlisle. I looked at my cards again, I had a nine-high flush, which was better then most of the hands I’d been dealt tonight. “I’ll call,” I threw in the rest of my chips, “Whacha got Carlisle?”
“Full house,” he exclaimed as he laid down his cards and smiled widely at me.
“Damn, I really thought I had it that time!” I said putting my cards face up and pushing away from the table. “Since you guys just killed me, I guess I’ll go check on my authors, to see what I can get from them.”
Esme flashed to my side before I could finish standing and hugged me, “This was a lot of fun; we’ll have to do this again.”
“Oh, I’m not playing with you guys for a while,” I told her returning her embrace, “but I’ll be glad to be dealer anytime.”
“Then next time, I call Black Jack,” Emmett shouted excitedly, bouncing in his chair and looking around at everyone.
I rolled my eyes and put a hand on Bella’s shoulder, “You did well tonight.”
She put her hand over mine, “Thanks, Andi.” Turning toward Edward, “Maybe we should call it a night, too,” she said to him and he nodded and smiled back at her.
“Alright, love.” He stood and extended his hand to her. “Good Night, everybody,” he said and they headed out the door. At their departure, everyone else decided to follow and two by two, left me to the silence of my lab once more.
With the release of such a ridiculous movie, I’ve suspected some people believe us, Twi-hards, can’t take a joke, but little do they realize; we’re a very tongue-in-cheek group and are quite capable of laughing at ourselves; when the joke is funny. This is the place I knew my authors wouldn’t let me down and my findings were just too numerous to publish them all. It was extremely difficult to decide what to include, with way too many to choose from and eventually I had to just spin a wheel. So, if you don’t want to waste your time or money at the box office this weekend; here are a few, much better, literary alternatives.
The first is “
Becoming Bella Swan” by BellaFlan. Here you’ll meet Bella Flanagan, or at least that’s who she thinks she is, who is currently being treated for mental illness in an institution. After she’s read a book series called the Twilight Saga, she begins to see the Cullens in the hospital. Which version is reality and which is imaginary? You’ll have to read this completed story to find out.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5452501/
The next tale is a lust-filled, completely human retelling of Twilight, or maybe more like Midnight Sun, called, “
Midnight Desire” by Twilightzoner. It’s told entirely from Edward's point of view as he battles with his monster, which is his insane uncontrollable teenage lust for Bella. This story is so full of smutty fun; it’s hard to put it down. And once you finish that, if you just haven’t had enough of role playing games with Edward and Bella, check out “
RPGs” by Twilightzoner, the sequel to “Midnight Desire”, for a few extra random fantasies.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4392180/http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5783755/
The next one I have is a very dark and twisty tale called “
Prey” by summer35. In this world, a powerful group of humans know of the existence of vampires and werewolves and strict rules are in place for the uneasy coexistence between the three kinds. Transforming humans without tacit permission is banned and all violators and victims are ordered destroyed. Bella was attacked when she was eight years old but miraculously survived. She returns to Forks during her junior year in high school and encounters the Olympic Coven. Against her will, she is drawn to Edward Cullen and into the dangerous world of shifting loyalties and deadly intrigue. The vampires in this world seem to be a bit of a cross between True Blood vampires, who can bleed and drink from humans without turning them and the canon versions, which sparkle and can survive in daylight. Just don’t expect Bill and Sookie to show up and you won’t be disappointed.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4856255/
Lastly, I offer a very fun completed tale with an extremely sexually frustrated vampire and a bad-ass new girl with an agenda called “
Game On Baby” by Drizle. Edward is a player and he’s bored. He thinks he knows everything, can have anyone at anytime, but Bella is more than ready to prove him wrong. It’s a strange thing to watch these two volley back and forth, but you’ll have to read the whole story to find out who wins.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5626218/With all the lemons these fics contain, there’s not much else I can offer you to help you quench that thirst. However, here’s something that might go along with them nicely.
"Pucker Up"
Ingredients
2 parts Sour Apple Pucker
1 part Schnapps, apple
3 parts 7-up
1 splash Lemon Juice
Mix all ingredients together and enjoy!
I hope my offerings will satiate your desire for more of the Cullens, at least to spare you from becoming another victim of the epic battle against stupid stories that should never be made into movies. Heed my warning and arm yourself with fiction that is worthy. Tweet (
) if you want to talk shop.
The deal has been made. ;)
